Global warming? Forget about it!

Forget about panda bears and the Philippine eagle going extinct. We humans are killing the universe! No wonder those aliens in Independence Day were so pissed at us. "Ack-aaack ack-ACK-ak."*

The damaging allegations are made by Profs Lawrence Krauss of Case Western Reserve University in Cleveland, Ohio, and James Dent of Vanderbilt University, Nashville, who suggest that by making this observation in 1998 we may have determined that the cosmos is in a state when it was more likely to end. "Incredible as it seems, our detection of the dark energy may provide evidence that the universe will ultimately decay," says Prof Krauss.

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*"Those crazy humans and their astronomy! Kill 'em all."