Thursday, July 27, 2006

i smell blood



According to Entertainment Weekly, there's a possibility that Hollywood may remake the Japanese cult classic Battle Royale, and they're not in favor of it.

I agree with EW. Hollywood always bastardizes remakes of Japanese sicko shit. But I would pay to see those Gay Mafia guys greenlight something that throws caution to the wind, butcher some sacred cows, and go all out, if they're serious about remaking this. My conditions are easy - lots of blood, lots of gore, and lots of creative ways to produce the two. Oh, and then cast the following as the students:

Paris Hilton (her spraying blood would spread some fatal disease)
Nicole Richie (not much blood, her bones can be used as weapons)
Lindsey Lohan (maybe in a necrophilia scene)
Tara Reid (total dismemberment - like the woodchopper scene in Fargo)
Olsen Twins (it'll be a delight to see them kill each other)
Ashlee Simpson (let's see her try to sing her way out of a meeting with an angry grizzly bear)
Britney Spears (a pregnant white trash teenager - she could die 10 minutes into the film)
Ashton Kutcher (imagine a sledgehammer to that toothy smile)
Wilmer Valderrama (decapitated Latino class clown)
Kevin Federline (supposedly badass, but gets capped repeatedly in all places by ...)
50 Cent (trigger-happy, but gets sprayed by Hilton's blood later and dies a horrible death)
Clay Aiken (tries to prove he's not gay, but dies a very gay death ...)
Justin Timberlake (cool ladies man gets .... neutered. eunuched. for most of the movie.)

(and more suggestions to come as the Most Annoying Celebrity list grows longer)

surprise villains: Michael Jackson as a insane murderous pedophile and Star Jones as a psychotic cannibal. in the role of the Head Man: Tom Cruise. and in a twist ending, every student dies. nyahahahahaha!!

which would be perfect, because this film was originally intended as a reaction to a generation of lazyass coddled teenagers.

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